Colitis sucks. Crohns is worse.
In 2001 I was diagnosed with Colitis and a long battle ensued. In short, I got sick, spent about 2 months in the hospital broken up into two stays. The end result was the loss of my colon (large intestines) and a "pouch" that was built to hold the poo-poo until I could make it to the bathroom. Good news - I still get to go poo-poo, although its about 4-10 times a day depending on what I eat (still beats the holy bejesus out of having an external colostomy bag).
Fast forward to spring of 2007. Not doing so well - pooping 20+ times a day, in extreme pain - especially at night. Basically my ass feels like it has been wiped with a cheese grater, having someone pour Tabasco sauce on it after rubbing a lemon on it. So I call the doctor who thinks its nothing and can be fixed by diet (nothing against the profession, but doctors can be pompous asses at times). I am seriously worried about losing my pouch at this point and having to go back to the colostomy bag. Not to make light of suicide; but I had a bag for a month and half between surgeries while my internal bag was formed and I think I would rather eat a bullet than have a bag for the rest of my life.
Per my doctor, I changed my diet and scheduled a "pouchoscopy" (very technical term, I know) where the knock me out and stick a camera in my butt to see how things are going. So I get "scoped" and *BAM*; oops - sorry we were wrong - you have Crohns, not colitis. You are now super secret deluxe happy fun time FUCKED. Comparing colitis to Crohns is like comparing ankle biter football to the NFL (*ahem Crohns is the NFL). (BTW - the change in diet did absolute dick - What amounted to turkey sandwiches and salads that consisted of lettuce and cucumbers with ranch dressing for 2 months helped about 0%).
But there is good news bad news as there usually is in these types of situations.
Good news
I got put on a serious regimen of albeit uncomfortable but highly effective medications. In about 2 weeks I am once again and crapping like a pro. Actually looking forward to and bragging about smooth no-pain poopies. My wife is very proud announcing my new found favorable condition from our front porch to anyone passing by.
Bad news
My wife is convinced that the unfortunate turn of events is directly related to my love of bourbon and scotch.
Good news
I got scoped again last week and since the heavy regimen of medications, things are much improved both in my doo-doo making and the actual condition of my pouch.
Bad news
Bourbon and scotch are classified as evil.
Good News
Crohns victims don't get a pouch when their colon is diseased. They remove it and you get a permanent Illeostomy and colostomy bag. Because I was misdiagnosed with colitis, they gave me an internal pouch
Bad news
Because I have Crohns and not Colitis I have a 50/50 chance of keeping/losing the pouch.
Good news
I can drink beer again for the first time in 2 years!
Bad news
I like scotch and bourbon. A lot.
Fast forward to spring of 2007. Not doing so well - pooping 20+ times a day, in extreme pain - especially at night. Basically my ass feels like it has been wiped with a cheese grater, having someone pour Tabasco sauce on it after rubbing a lemon on it. So I call the doctor who thinks its nothing and can be fixed by diet (nothing against the profession, but doctors can be pompous asses at times). I am seriously worried about losing my pouch at this point and having to go back to the colostomy bag. Not to make light of suicide; but I had a bag for a month and half between surgeries while my internal bag was formed and I think I would rather eat a bullet than have a bag for the rest of my life.
Per my doctor, I changed my diet and scheduled a "pouchoscopy" (very technical term, I know) where the knock me out and stick a camera in my butt to see how things are going. So I get "scoped" and *BAM*; oops - sorry we were wrong - you have Crohns, not colitis. You are now super secret deluxe happy fun time FUCKED. Comparing colitis to Crohns is like comparing ankle biter football to the NFL (*ahem Crohns is the NFL). (BTW - the change in diet did absolute dick - What amounted to turkey sandwiches and salads that consisted of lettuce and cucumbers with ranch dressing for 2 months helped about 0%).
But there is good news bad news as there usually is in these types of situations.
Good news
I got put on a serious regimen of albeit uncomfortable but highly effective medications. In about 2 weeks I am once again and crapping like a pro. Actually looking forward to and bragging about smooth no-pain poopies. My wife is very proud announcing my new found favorable condition from our front porch to anyone passing by.
Bad news
My wife is convinced that the unfortunate turn of events is directly related to my love of bourbon and scotch.
Good news
I got scoped again last week and since the heavy regimen of medications, things are much improved both in my doo-doo making and the actual condition of my pouch.
Bad news
Bourbon and scotch are classified as evil.
Good News
Crohns victims don't get a pouch when their colon is diseased. They remove it and you get a permanent Illeostomy and colostomy bag. Because I was misdiagnosed with colitis, they gave me an internal pouch
Bad news
Because I have Crohns and not Colitis I have a 50/50 chance of keeping/losing the pouch.
Good news
I can drink beer again for the first time in 2 years!
Bad news
I like scotch and bourbon. A lot.
posted by Sponge at 11:11 PM
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