"I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Down it goes, into my belly..."

"I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Down it goes, into my belly..." - Ron Burgundy, Anchorman

As a reward for the recent trauma my liver experienced, I took it out for a bit of a celebration last night. Actually, it was a going away happy hour for one of my employees but these events rarely focus around that fact that we are actually saying good-bye to a friend/colleague; instead it quickly turns into an excuse to tie one on at the expense of the company.

This was no exception as the guest of honor did not have a single drink of alcohol, preferring instead to have a milkshake and nachos. A MILKSHAKE! Oh the humanity!

Actually, it was OK because the six remaining attendee’s managed to run up a $419 bar bill ($70 tip included) by killing a bottle and half of Glenlivet 12-year, several pints of Guinness, Yuengling, and even a few Miller Lites. The bartender was so impressed with the conquering of the Scotch; he marked the occasion by autographing the empty bottle for us in the name of our company (which shall remain anonymous in an effort to protect my expense account for future binges) and having each of us sign our names on the label as well.

The memento from this occasion is now on my office book shelf as a reminder to all of us that… well… I don’t know what it is supposed to remind us of, but it’s on my shelf for all to ogle.

Here are some quotes from the evening and emails of the morning after:

“Kobe is better than Lebron AND Allen Iverson” – EB

“Maryland (the basketball team) Sucks” - AS

"I won $76,000 playing blackjack when I was 19" – SP

"I've been winning thousands at casinos since I was 12" – SP

“[…with three of my friends…] we won a total $67,000 playing blackjack but the money was stolen by a couple of whores and we had to pay taxes on it” - SP

"Holy ass! $67k!! What the hell!! Can you imagine!? Shit, I'd buy a fucking M3 in cash! I'd get an Apple 30" for the office! I'd buy a crapload of stock and take a year off!! " - CD

“OK So normally when someone says ‘wow – you guys really threw down last night, someplace there is an empty bottle of scotch with your name on it –‘ That someplace is usually not the bosses’ truck and ‘with your name on it’ is usually figurative. - JR

"Holy ass! $67k!! What the hell!! Can you imagine!? Shit, I'd buy a fucking M3 in cash! I'd get an Apple 30" for the office! I'd buy a crapload of stock and take a year off!! " - CD

Note that the above quotes are paraphrased at best, you drink 8 scotch-on-the-rocks and 2 beers and try to remember exact wording the next morning.

I don’t mean to pick on SP, but we were all really blown away by these claims. We totaled up his winnings over his gambling career that he spoke about from the age of 12 to 30 and we came up with the astonishing number of $256,000 (yes, 12 years old). That is a lot of cheese, man.

If I was pulling down an average of $85,000 per Vegas trip, I would seriously have to think about going pro ($256,000 divided by the 3 trips he told us about). Actually I wouldn’t have to think about it, I would go pro.

Check Jeff’s Cause and Effect Blog for a much more hilarious write-up of the occasion.